Bewildered: One Line Quotes (Part 2)

SIG QUOTES / BONGO BOB QUOTES

(PART II)

Murphy's Law: If it can go wrong, it will...at the worst possible time and in the worst possible place. Fisher's Law: Murphy was an optimist.
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
Never argue with a fool...people may not be able to tell you apart.
Never claim as a right that which you can ask as a favor.
Never climb a fence when you can sit on it.
Never complain; never explain.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never eat prunes when you are famished.
Never embezzle more than your employer can afford.
Never get into a fight with an ugly person. He has nothing to lose.
Never get mixed up with economists. Their thinking is muddy and they have bad breath.
Never have so many people understood so little about so much.
Never invest in anything that eats or needs repainting.
Never let your sense of morality stop you from doing what is right.
Never make the same mistake twice...there are so many new ones to make!
Never marry a woman who prays too much.
Never mistake good manners for good will.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Never question your wife's judgement...look whom she married.
Never step in anything soft.
Never trust anyone who laughs at his own one-liners.
Never try to teach a pig how to sing. It is a waste of time and it annoys the pig.
Never underestimate the power of stupidity.
Never, ever trust anyone under 30 or over 25.
Never, ever, insult a telephone answering machine. They have ways of getting even.
New systems generate new problems.
Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.
No class of Americans has ever objected to any amount of government meddling if it appeared to benefit that particular class.
No man's knowledge goes beyond his experience.
No man's life, liberty, or property are safe whilst the legislature is in session.
No matter how bad your kid is, he's still good for a tax exemption.
No matter how long or how diligently you shop for a machine, once you've purchased it, it will be on sale for 30% less.
No name, no matter how simple, can be correctly understood over the phone.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
No one ever found marvels by seeking them.
No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid.
Not all the kookies are in the jar.
Nothing dispels enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
Nothing in our history is plainer, or more tragic, than the gulf between cleverness and wisdom.
Nothing in the universe arouses more false hopes than the first four hours of a diet.
Nothing irritates a standard American corporate executive quite so much as the sight of someone actually daring to practice capitalism.
Nothing is illegal if 100 businessmen decide to do it.
Nothing is really labor unless you would rather be doing something else.
Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss put in an honest day's work.
Odds are, the phrase "It's none of my business" will be followed by "but".
Of those teaching in today's schools, 80 percent are paid twice what they are worth and 20 percent are paid half what they are worth.
Old age is like a burglar. It robs you of all the goodies and leaves the rubbish.
Old men and comets have long been revered for the same reasons; their long beards and their supposed ability to foretell events.
Old men make wars. Young men fight them.
On the ONE day you take your secretary to lunch, your wife will be lunching in the same restaurant.
Once upon a time, there were two Chinamen. Now look how many there are.
Once you understand the problem, you find that it is worse than you expected.
One goddamned thing leads to another goddamned thing.
One good thing about living on a farm is that you can fight with your wife and ain't nobody gonna hear.
One lawyer = a crook. Two lawyers = a law firm. Three or more lawyers = a legislature.
One may generally observe a singular accord between supercelestial ideas and subterranean behavior.
One sees more clearly backward than forward.
One thing you can say for kids: they don't go around showing pictures of their grandparents.
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
Our architect's plans for plant renovation begin with a precision air strike.
Peace is a premise the existence of which we have deduced from the intervals between wars.
People are always available for work in the past tense.
People use the most words when they are the least certain of what they are saying.
People who cough a lot never go to the doctor...just to movies, concerts, and lectures.
People who have no faults are terrible: there is no way to take advantage of them.
People who live in a golden age complain that everything looks yellow.
People, like turtles, make little progress without sticking their necks out.
Pessimists are the world's happiest people.... Ninety percent of the time they are right, and the other ten percent they are pleasantly surprised.
Pinocchio was such a dolt to try to become a human being. He was much better off with a wooden head.
Policemen with private motives are dangerous.
Political cunning should never be mistaken for intelligence.
Politicians are much like ships: noisiest when lost in a fog.
Politicians deal with the public on the basis of the mushroom policy: Keep them in the dark and feed them manure.
Practical politics consists of ignoring the facts. Come to think of it, practical anything consists of that.
Proctologist's revenge: put Ben-Gay in a guy's tube of Nupercainal.
Proof-positive that Eastern and Western technologies can indeed work together: the Teflon-coated wok.
Psychopaths aren't born. They are made.
Rabbits dance at the funeral of the lion.
Reality precedes perception. Except, of course, in southern California.
Remember the good old days When juvenile delinquency was observed mainly in juveniles
Remember when "There's something in the air" was just a figure of speech
Respect for ourselves guides our morals; deference to others governs our manners.
Revenge is a dish best served cold.
Roughing it is television without cable.
Rumors are the sauce of a dry life.
Saints engage in introspection while burly sinners run the world.
Scandal, like hypocrisy, is bipartisan.
Science has finally found what distinguishes Man from the other beasts: financial worries.
Serendipity is looking in a haystack for a needle and finding the farmer's daughter.
Show me anything whereof it may be said "See, this is new," and I will show you it hath been.
Shrink not from blasphemy - t'will pass for wit.
Simple pleasures are the last refuge of the complex.
Since few large pleasures are lent to us on a long lease, it is wise to cultivate a large undergrowth of small pleasures.
Small things entertain small minds.
Smooth seas never made a good sailor.
Some people are always lost in thought; other people lack thoughts large enough to be lost in.
Some people can look so busy that they seem indispensable.
Some people can stay longer in an hour than others can in a week.
Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
Sometimes it is good to be only a fly when giants are fighting for the heavens.
Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar. - S. Freud
Songs unheard are sweeter far.
Stress is that condition created when the mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately needs it.
Strong words connote weak arguments.
Succeeding is more satisfying than success.
Success consists of reaching 40 before your waist does.
Support your local bloodhound. Get lost.
Sympathy is what you give a relative when you don't want to lend him cash.
Take care which rut you choose; you'll be in it for the next ten years.
Taking something with a grain of salt may raise your blood pressure.
Tatoos are the common man's way of investing in art.
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
Television is chewing gum for the eyes.
Tell a man that there are 500 million trillion stars in the universe and he will believe you. Tell him that there's wet paint on that bench....
Tempt not a desperate man.
That which is crooked cannot be made straight, although there are psychotherapists who might disagree.
The Boy Scout credo: sound mind, sound body...take your choice.
The British parliament is called the "Mother of Legislatures". A somewhat similar term is often applied to Congress.
The Devil's greatest triumph was convincing the modern world that he doesn't exist.
The Russians will never invade us...there's no place to park.
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.
The average U.S. taxpayer is proud to be paying taxes. Of course, he could be just as proud for half the money.
The best bilge pump in the world is a terrified sailor with a bucket.
The best way to achieve immortality is by not dying.
The best way to attract money is to give the appearance of having it.
The best way to avoid growing old is not to be born so soon.
The best way to make fire with two sticks is to insure that one of them is a match.
The best way to save face is to keep the lower half closed.
The bigger they are, the harder they punch.
The biggest idiot can ask questions the smartest man cannot answer.
The danger in being king is that after a while you begin to believe you really are one.
The deepest and most important virtues are often the dullest ones.
The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
The fifteen minute morning coffee break is when your employees take a break from doing nothing.
The first great gift that we can bestow upon others is a good example.
The first place in which to look for something is the last place in which you expect to find it.
The fraudulence of the exercise is proportional to the margin of victory.
The galaxy is full of dishonorable men ...Well, everyone's got to make a living.
The gap between theory and practice is filled with apology.
The great classes of people will more easily fall victims to a great lie than to a small one.
The great tragedy of our era is not the significance of things but the insignificance of things.
The healthy stomach is nothing if not conservative; few radicals have good digestions.
The human brain is a wonderous instrument. It starts working the moment you wake up and doesn't stop until you get to the office.
The last man on Earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door...
The last time doctors went on strike, the death rate dropped thirty percent.
The later you are for your flight, the more times you have to go through the metal detector.
The law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the poor to sleep under bridges, beg in the streets, and steal bread.
The lawyer's credo: if you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit.
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.
The longer you wait in line, the greater the probability that it is the wrong line.
The man who is always talking about being a gentleman never is one.
The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the probability that the competition already has the order.
The most beautiful days of the year are always the days just before and just after your vacation.
The most successful journey is a dull journey.
The mouse dreams dreams that would terrify the cat.
The nice thing about scientific studies is that you can always find one that proves conclusively that your product is safe and that your competitor's causes cancer.
The number of employees in any work group tends to increase irrespective of the amount of work to be done.
The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of what you're doing.
The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is the one time the boss comes strolling through the plant.
The only government handout that I want is the government's hand out of my pocket.
The only imperfect thing in nature is the human race.
The only people that snobs want to know are those who don't want to know them.
The only people to profit from the mistakes of others are biographers.
The only perfect science is hindsight.
The only thing worse than a male chauvinist pig is the female version.
The only things in history that are inevitable are those that have already happened.
The only valid generalization that can be made about scientists is that they require unlimited resources for improbable projects of interminable gestation periods.
The opera ain't over 'til the fat lady sings.
The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
The organization of any bureaucracy is very much like a septic tank....The really big chunks always rise to the top.
The person who buys the most raffle tickets has the least chance of winning.
The person who marries for money generally ends up earning it.
The person who snores the loudest will fall asleep first.
The price of total freedom is total anarchy. The price of total security is total enslavement.
The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
The probability of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is proportional to the cost of the carpet.
The probability of your alarm not going off increases in direct proportion to the importance of your 8:00am meeting.
The promises of maniacs, like those of salesmen, are not safely relied upon.
The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet 'em.
The rat race is over. The rats won.
The real crime in education today is not the way we treat teachers but whom we allow to be teachers.
The real outrage today isn't what's illegal. It's what is legal.
The reason the way of the sinner is hard is because it is so crowded.
The reason why worry kills more people than work does is that more people worry than work.
The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
The saddest of words: I always wanted to but never did.
The secret of staying young is finding an age that you really like and then sticking with it.
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
The ship of state is the only ship that leaks at the top.
The smaller the issue, the bigger the fight.
The sole reliable test of a first-rate intelligence is to hold two opposite ideas in the mind whilst still retaining the ability to tie one's own shoe laces.
The sooner man begins to spend his wealth, the better he uses it.
The strongest part of any paper form is the perforation.
The successful enjoyment of vice requires training and long practice.
The sun ariseth and the sun goeth down, and the same things come alike to the righteous and the wicked.
The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive.
The tale of the errant entrepreneur: High chair; high school; high hopes; high finance; "Hi, Warden!".
The universe is governed by a committee; no one man could make that many mistakes.
The very same American textile industry that lobbies hysterically against the import of textile products imports virtually all its textile manufacturing machinery...I wonder why
The whole of life is futile unless you regard it is a sporting proposition.
The world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that feel.
The world is disgracefully managed; one hardly knows to whom to complain.
Them that has, gets.
There are no moral messages in Nature.
There are only four basic plots in life, and nine in literature.
There are those who make things happen. There are those who watch things happen. And there are those who wonder what happened.
There are three rules for successfully managing people: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
There are three types of deliberate falsehoods: lies, damned lies, and salesmen's promises.
There are two kinds of men who never amount to much: those who cannot do what they are told, and those who can do nothing else.
There are two periods in which Congress does no business: one is before the holidays and the other is after.
There is a time for everything. Mostly, the wrong time.
There is always one more son of a bitch than you counted on.
There is an optimal size for any project, and it is always bigger than you can afford.
There is no truth in the rumor that man is immortal.
There is nothing like a grievance to sharpen an old man's wits.
There is nothing more terrible than ignorance in action.
There is nothing wrong with you that an expensive surgical operation cannot prolong.
There is wisdom in madness and strong probability of truth in all accusations, for people are complete, and everybody is capable of anything.
There's nothing wrong with gluttony...providing you don't overdo it.
These days, an education is essential for career success. Unless, of course, you run for Congress.
They don't invite you to the White House for a drink because they think you are thirsty.
Things get worse under pressure.
Those things are better which are perfected by Nature than those which are finished by art.
Those who beat their swords into plowshares generally end up plowing for those who didn't.
Those who can - do. Those who can't - teach. Those totally devoid of useful ability become government economists.
Those who can't teach - administer. Those who can't administer - run for public office.
Those who do not follow are dragged.
Those who do not learn from history often end up making it.
Those who like sausage or political policy should not watch either being made.
Time is a great teacher, but it kills all its pupils.
To a little fish, the waters are always deep.
To a man with a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
To a weary horse, even his own tail is a burden.
To err is human. To really foul things up requires a computer. To create utter chaos with no perceivable possibility of salvation calls for an MBA.
To have honesty coupled to beauty is to have honey the sauce to sugar.
To hear tell a hundred times is not as good as once seeing.
To spot the true expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
To understand the clay is not to understand the pot.
Today's conservative is yesterday's liberal who got mugged last night.
Too much of anything is wonderful.
Truth is a hard master to serve, for the more devotedly you serve her, the more she hurts you.
Truth is very precious, so salesmen and politicians use it very sparingly.
Tyranny is always better organized than freedom is.
Under some conditions, in some place, at some time, there will always be at least one law, ordinance, or statute under which you can be booked.
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of temperature, pressure, humidity, time, and voltage, the machine will do as it damned well pleases.
Unfaithfulness in the keeping of an appointment is an act of clear dishonesty.
You may as well take a person's money as his time.
Universities are full of knowledge. The freshmen bring a little in and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates.
Virtue does not lend itself to the same verbal enthusiasms that vice does.
Virtue is a social liability.
We ain't cheap, but by gosh, we're good!
We are all passengers in the leaky rowboat of life. So, bail faster, damn it!
We are inclined to believe those whom we do not know because they have never deceived us.
We do not know who first discovered water. However, we are confident that it was not a fish.
We don't know one millionth of one per cent about anything.
We know what we are, but not what we may be.
Welcome to the totally-automated, fully computerized world of the twenty-first century, where nothing can go wrong...go wrong...go wrong...
What do the lie detector and Wonder Woman have in common They were invented by the same person. Kinda figures, doesn't it.
What do you call 500 bureaucrats at the bottom of the Potomac river ? A start.
What people say behind your back is your standing in the community.
What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
Whatever is not nailed down is the government's. Whatever the government can pry loose is not nailed down.
When I works, I works fast. When I plays, I plays hard. And when I thinks, I falls asleep.
When a broken machine is demonstrated for the repairman, it will work perfectly.
When a man dies, he does not die just of the disease he has; he dies of his whole life.
When anything is used to its full potential, it will break.
When comes the revolution, things will be different - not better, just different.
When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
When in trouble or in doubt, Run in circles, yell and shout.
When men are easy in their circumstances, they are naturally enemies to innovation.
When smashing monuments, always save the pedestals - they come in handy.
When the hounds bay, the fox and the rabbit are brothers.
When the mouse laughs at the cat, there is a hole very near by.
When the old dog barks, better look out the window.
When there is no danger in fighting, there is no glory in winning.
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
When you've read about one train wreck, you've read about them all.
Whenever a man casts a longing eye at public office, a rottenness appears in his conduct.
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damned fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it totally beyond recognition.
Where you stand on an issue depends upon where you sit.
Who mourns the falling of a single leaf ?
Whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad.
Why do they always start off the evening news with "Good evening" when all they do is tell you why it isn't ?
Why is there always so much month left at the end of the money ?
Why long for glory, which one despises as soon as one has it ?
Women like silent men. They think they're listening.
Women's taste in neckties is as bad as men's in chintz.
Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.
Workers these days don't mind putting in an honest day's work. Trouble is, it takes 'em a week to do it.
Would that reason were as contagious as emotion.
Would you fly in an airliner designed and built by the lowest bidder?
Yea, though I walk thru the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil, 'cause I'm the meanest s.o.b. in the valley.
Years ago, the symbol of America was the bald eagle. Today, it is the beer bottle on the side of the road.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word.
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
You can say this for death and taxes: when you are done with one, you're done with the other.
You can't drown your troubles, not the real ones, because if they are real, they can swim.
You can't have a clear head when there is a sword hanging over it.
You can't win.
You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know when it will be too late.
You cannot reason a man out of that which he has not been reasoned into.
You cannot tame a tiger by pulling but one of his teeth.
You know that it's gonna be a bad day when you call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
You know you are in trouble when you come to work in the morning and the boss tells you not to take off your coat.
You know you are in trouble when your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.
You may not get what you pay for, but you always pay for what you get.
You never know how many friends you have until you own a house at the beach.
You only go around once, and there's not enough gusto for everyone.
You rarely observe a mob rushing across town to do a good deed.
You've one mouth and two ears...use them in that proportion.
Your freedom to swing your arm ends where my nose begins.
Murphy's Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

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